Porn happens.

The average age when an American child encounters online porn is 11.  Eleven.  Not because they are (always) looking for it. Because it’s pervasive, inevitable and, quite frankly, interesting. 

When we were children in the 1970s and 1980s, porn was the stash of Playboy magazines you found hidden under a bed or in the closet.  Or you found your parent’s copy of The Joy of Sex – with illustrations!  Then in the 1980s, it might be VHS tapes you found on the top shelf of your Dad’s closet.  Don’t blush – it’s a normal part of adolescence to be curious about sex. And a lot of adults enjoy some form of pornography.  Not judging or endorsing.  Just sayin’.

It’s different today.  Playboy seems “quaint”. With one or two clicks, an adolescent is quickly viewing some very hardcore stuff.  Porn that is well beyond the standard soft-core VHS tapes of our youth.  Today’s kids don’t really know the difference. 

One of my kids discovered this universe earlier this year.  I’m not sure how he found it and I am sure I didn’t have my home network locked down.  But he found it and, in his mind-blown immaturity (isn’t this crazy), showed his laptop at home to a female friend who was understandably horrified (not because he suggested doing anything like it – but because she had never seen something quite so disturbing). He closed the laptop, apologized and thought it was over. It wasn’t.  He tried to cover it up because he realized it was embarrassing.  A bunch of middle schoolers got in the middle of it (they were not mad he looked at it, but rather that he showed her!).  He lost a bunch of friends.  And made new ones.  It was heartbreaking as a parent, but it is life.  And he is a resilient kid.

But it’s normal for adolescent boys and girls to explore sexuality – so the question was how to help them navigate this exploration in a healthy way. I’m not a prude.  I’m also not a fan of hard-core porn (or soft-core porn or Playboy) but to each adult their own.  I am a fan of raising people who have healthy body images and ultimately great sex lives as adults.    

I researched the impact of Internet pornography on the adolescent brain and the research is compelling – its very, very bad for them (Why Johnny Shouldn't Watch Porn If He Likes).  In fact, indulging in Internet porn for sexual pleasure can make boys impotent with women as adults – requiring more porn- and sex-free months than older men to re-wire their pleasure sensory system because their brain wiring is screwed up by the Internet porn. 

Obviously, we shut down access to the Internet porn.  Locked the home network.  Restricted the iPhones. Most importantly we talked. Talked about how porn represents a certain type of fantasy but has nothing to do with real relationships and real sex. Told him that curiosity is a good thing.  Shared the research that Internet porn is really unhealthy for adolescent brains. Bought a Dummies Guide to Great Sex that he can “find”.  Suggested my husband subscribe to Playboy so that our boys can “find” that too.  Might buy the updated “Joy of Sex”.  Why not? 

We are trying to allow for healthy curiosity without being creepy and without exposing our kids to images that are extreme and dangerous for their minds. Some ideas from other, more informed authors:

My recommendation to turn your child away from Internet porn…make him talk about it with his mother.