Gentleman are taught

On How to Encourage Your Son to be a Gentleman, author Ken Myers provides six suggestions to teaching your preschooler how to act with good manners.

One of the suggestions is to realize that good manners start with compassion and empathy. Modeling compassion and empathy is critical and very hard. Our kids hear us when we make a comment about another driver. They hear us if we disparage a waiter or waitress. I find myself needing to remember that there are ears everywhere and everything I do is teaching my children. Treating people with respect and managing my own frustrations are among the most important things I can do to teach my sons how to be gentlemen.

University of DenverBut realistically, while I hope my husband and I are the most influential of my childrens' teachers, we are not the only ones.  We aren't even the ones with the most time with them during the week.  A lot of learning to be a gentleman (or a lady) will come from the expectations of their social circle. Our kids hear other people (kids) make comments about themselves.  Elementary school kids experiment with sarcasm and humor. It's not natural to expect that to stop. The question is how to teach your child the impact of their behavior and language while they are constantly exposed to other children doing exactly what I've conveyed (and teachers convey) is unacceptable. 

Columbia Business SchoolI've begun to believe that there is a role for honor codes.  Explicit. Articulated. Discussed. A code describing what is acceptable behavior for a group or class. A code that can provide a framework to discuss changes to the code and behaviors or words that may not fit the code. Honor Codes are visible. They go beyond behavior and into values and principles. The ones I see are about cheating.  

This is a good thing - but that doesn't cover what it means to be part of a honorable community.

But they are simple. Done well, they are short, memorable and  referenced constantly by students, teachers and parents. I see them in boys schools, military academies - but not frequently in co-ed or public schools. I'd love links to honor codes that are effective - does your school have one?

What do you think - how does the village teach children how to be well-mannered adults?

Between a rock and a loud place

Imagine sitting in a classroom and hearing all the noises in the room as if they were in an amplifier next to your head. And then imagine trying to follow the teacher's directions through all that noise. Imagine trying to figure out what the teacher said when you miss 30% of the words or the words themselves become garbled in your mind. Imagine you cannot quickly recall what someone just told you.

Sounds miserable, right?

In fact, after 10 minutes of experiencing these things in a simulation, I had a splitting headache and felt homicidal. It was exhausting. 

It's my son's life.

A year ago, testing showed my son had an auditory processing deficit - and that his ability to process auditory information was dramatically lower than all his other intellectual abilities. It wasn't until a chance conversation with an Otolaryngologist that we realized we could understand the details of this deficit and potentially help.  We had him screened by a pediatric audiologist who diagnosed him with Central Auditory Processing Disorder - CAPD - a disorder that impacts 2-5% of the population with twice the incidence happening in boys. It's often undiagnosed because the children can hear well. In fact, many children with CAPD act out in school because they are so frustrated by what they hear or they just need the sound to stop - leading to being designated a "bad" or "wild" child, "willful" or "ADHD".  ADHD can exist with CAPD - but they aren't the same thing.

We are very lucky.  Our son's CAPD did not coincide with reading dyslexia or speech issues. In fact, so far, it's only really impacted his behavior. As soon as we received the diagnosis, it was recommended that he complete Auditory Integration Training.  This therapy was developed by Guy Berard, MD and consists of frequency optimized 30-minute intervals of music where they modulate the treble and bass as well. The sounds train the brain stem - and help address imbalances in processing sound.  My son's AIT focused on reducing the volume of sound at 4000 Hz - the frequency of crowds. He diligently listened for 30 minutes every morning before school or sports and 30 minutes every evening. 

The results from the mid-program audiogram were amazing - and when we drove to Montana after he completed the program, he sang on key for the first time in his life.

It will take anywhere from 1-6 months for the full impact of AIT to be seen. In the meanwhile, he has to learn to restate what he hears, advocate appropriately for himself when the sound is too loud and we have to work with his teachers to have compassion, provide him information in visual modalities, and help him unlearn the behavior patterns he developed out of frustration.  The coping mechanisms that he uses to excel academically must be reinforced as the work becomes more challenging - CAPD is a lifelong disability, but it doesn't need to hold him back.

To learn more about identifying and treating CAPD - here are some resources.

• Recognizing and Treating Children with Central Auditory Processing Disorder
• Central Auditory Processing Disorders - An Overview of Assessment and Management Techniques
• What are Central Auditory Processing Disorders in Children?

The Security of Strong Identity

During the winter holidays, my children are constantly reminded that they are minorities by faith. When they were very small, they'd protest that there were pictures of Christmas Trees and banners proclaiming Merry Christmas, but no menorahs or Happy Hanukkah signs. It was very interesting that after a year in Jewish Day School, their protests simply stopped.  They still noticed, but it didn't bother them as much.

Last weekend, my eldest was asked by his cousins (who are part of an interfaith family) if he celebrated Christmas. He simply replied - no, I celebrate Hanukkah. They mentioned that they celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. And then they asked him if he wanted to celebrate Christmas.

I wasn't in the car. My sister was driving and listening. Previously, she's shared that when she was a child, she was very aware that everyone else celebrated Christmas and it looked like fun. That she didn’t like that she felt different. She shared Benjamin's response with me - because he delivered it so surely, it was memorable.

Not really because I'm Jewish and I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I'm happy with Hanukkah.

There was no judgment or advocacy in his tone or his intent. He's simply secure with his identity - he's Jewish. He celebrates Jewish (and American) holidays. And he's perfectly comfortable with his cousins making a different choice that fits them. 

His surety of identity is a direct result of his pluralist, Jewish day school education. Pluralism means that he has been taught that there is no one right way to practice Judaism or worship G-d.  Jewish Day School education means that his formative years are imbued with celebration of his holidays (and study of others).  Research indicates that the more diverse the environment, the more children self-segregate.

It's counter-intuitive. In order to raise a child who embraces diversity, the child has to be secure in its own identity first. My son is eleven.  He is still learning who he is - but he is secure in his faith and his unique individuality. I hope it lasts as he moves through adolescence and into adulthood.  Evidence is on my side that it will.  For now, I'm just proud that he can share his pride and comfort in his tradition without making his cousins uncomfortable. 

Ideas for impulsive boys

Parenting can be very lonely - especially when your child is frustrating or embarassing you.  I started writing to share my experiences and join a community of practical, grounded parents who know there are no perfect children or perfect parents, but want to enjoy parenting.  A mother of a 6 year old boy recently contacted me for ideas to help her with her impulsive child.

My 6 year old son struggles with behaviors as you described of your son.  He's impulsive and is very short fused.  I was curious to know some of the strategies you have tried with your son.  My son has especially gotten bad over the summer.  (I am a teacher and so he stays home with me).  I just feel so bad for him b/c he can be so good but I know SOMETHING is bothering him and making him act like this.  Please help!

 I'm not a mental health professional or a teacher - so I'll share what's worked for us as just that - personal experience and no more. 

1. Take a look at sleep.  My son is much more impulsive when he's slightly tired - like 30 minutes off.  We forgo homework, which I hope your six year old doesn't have, time with us and pretty much everything else in exchange for going to bed at the same time every night.
2. Try a simple reward chart - it has to be broken into very short intervals and he has to know what success looks like - so be specific. He should be able to earn points every 15 minutes and when he has a lot of points, there's some reward (a favorite meal, time one on one with a parent, in my son's case - time in a batting cage).  Examples are (in 15 minutes intervals): waits turn to play/speak, responds the first time asked, shares a toy.
3. Give him an alternative way to express his physical energy - and it will be a physical alternative.  We gave my son a soccer trainer where he could kick the ball very hard and it wouldn't go anywhere.  We taught him some yoga positions that he could create pressure on his body that would calm him.  We got him permission to go run/pushups/burpees/squats.  Something that could not hurt someone else and would help him burn the energy.
4. He's reacting because he is hurt. Something or someone frustrated or hurt his feelings. Don't invalidate what he's feeling (even if it seems trivial or out of proportion).  Validate it - son, I think you are upset/hurt/frustrated. Son - tell me what upset/hurt/frustrated you.  I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be very hard. We may not be able to change what happened, but we can choose what happens next.  What would you like that to be?  Make sure every adult who supervises him follows this sort of script - he'll calm down much faster if you don't fight him.  This doesn't mean approval - just validate his feelings before holding him accountable for his choices.
5. Try to teach him a mantra or other mechanism to cool off when he feels upset.  This is really hard for adults - but if you can make it a habit - count to twenty in three languages, add two really big numbers together, something that redirects his mind - you'll help him for life.

He's a work in progress and virtually every interesting, driven man I know was an impulsive and hot headed youth.

When he is closer to 8, if its still an issue, I recommend investing in comprehensive academic, cognitive and behavioral testing with a psychologist qualified and experienced to do all three. We discovered that our son is exceptionally bright/gifted - but that his brain processes information incredibly fast yet auditory processing was well below average.  "People talk too slow" - and he hears so well that all the other noises get in the way while he is waiting for people to talk faster. Once we and his teachers understood his gifts and his issue, we could insist on providing directions to him in writing and giving him an escape from assemblies when the sound is too much.

One thing I noticed you mentioned is that your son found some sort of release.  That is something I am having trouble finding with my son .... other than video games ... *sigh*.  Also, We had my son evaluated by a preschool team and they did say that he is very bright/gifted but also has trouble processing information.

Do you also think that summer vacation is especially hard on kiddos like our boys b/c it is less structured?  What  can I do to help that?  Should I have a set schedule every day (soooo not my personality haha)

We have very strict rules on video games - during the summer, they can use them for 2 hours on the weekend (while we sleep) and one hour, twice a week.  They have unlimited use of Kahn Academy and Typing Ace.  But they are older than your boy - frankly, I'd take away the power cords to the video machines for a few weeks so that he learns another soothing solution.

We make our kids read a book, go outside, draw a picture.  I believe (and there is research to support it) that video games are soothing/brain numbing.  Does your son like sports?  building things? music?

Finally, I live by routines.  The kids know what to expect and when to expect it.  In between those structures, they are free.  It's much less anxious for the kids and we find behavior is much better.  For example, they know they are leaving the house by 8am.  So when they get up, they have to get dressed, eat, organize their stuff before 8am.  They can do whatever else they want as long as those three things are done.  Then they go to camp during the day - or have some sort of input into their day (we're going hiking and then swimming...you can play outside for a few hours, then we are going shopping).  So - I would suggest creating a predictable routine with plenty of time for self-expression, imagination and unstructured play.  But let them know when it will end so that they can plan their play. Teaching executive function while you are at it.

It's not easy - but parenting never is.  Impulsive kids are interesting, creative, energetic and once they learn to harness their capabilities - they truly shine.

Growing up and controlling our impulses

I wonder how many people have tried to learn something or improve themselves and had immediate success?  It takes years to earn a degree and at least 21 days to form a simple habit. One of the lessons my husband is applying as a coach is that a coach (or teacher or parent) needs to give five positive comments for every one negative one. 5:1. The great basketall coach Phil Jackson coached the Chicago Bulls with Michael Jordon using the 5:1 philosophy. How many of us actually parent like that? 

So it's not surprising that as a child is learning something - like the appropriate way to deal with competition, frustration or normal banter/taunting - it would take time to master.  I wrote in December that I was really impressed by my son's rapid adaptation to the accomodations offered to him in the classroom.  We met today with his teacher and learned that those adaptations continue to work and that he, with a few of his classmates, successfully created and introduced tile-math for the first grade (when they had completed their third grade math work) as well as creating (with other classmates) a lesson on the science of crayfish for the kindergarten. Engaged, appropriate and striving. 

But he is not perfect and hasn't mastered everything in regard to his behavior. During unstructuring times like recess and transitions, it's still hard for him to override his reflexes. With the coaching and support of his teachers, he's asked to become conscious of  every choice he makes - physical and verbal - understand the implications, take responsibility, and learn to make another choice. I'm thankful that his school believes in supporting children as they learn and teaches children how to resolve conflict and reflect on their choices. He gets to practice as he's learning. The extensive testing he did showed that his impulses are not a choice - they are a reflex. So while he knows the rules and expectations, he's learning to react in new ways.  It's quite a lot for an eight-year-old boy, but he keeps trying to get it right.  For him, a day when he was successful in class and there are no (or very minor) scuffles at recess or in transitions is a big success. And we celebrate it. He's improving - according to the school.

It's probably challenging for anyone who isn't in the conversations with him, the school and us to know how much effort my husband and I spend with our son working to refocus his impulses and retrain his reflexes.  We're lucky - he's neither mean nor insecure but he is competitive and impulsive. Advantages in sports, but challenging at school. As a friend said - he was born to be on a farm where he'd be working hard, outside, for hours before school. But in spite of our four chickens, we just don't have any hay to bale in the morning.  He's eight and learning to control his impulses.  Something most people I know still strive to do.

5:1 - I'm trying to praise his efforts 5x for every 1x he struggles. He radiates with pride when he succeeds. My impulse is to react when he doesn't and he certainly knows we are disappointed at those times. His struggles are embarrassing and frustrating. They don't happen when I'm present (I'm a calming influence on him). He's not a remote-control robot we can control, nor would we want to. When he is unsuccessful, he knows that he needs to try harder because he is accountable for it at home as well as at school. And every day we have improvement is a success to celebrate.