Hands off my iPad

It's hopeless. Although I carefully meter out the time my children can spend using my iPad, iPhone or HTC Incredible, my three kids are drawn to the devices like a moth to a flame. Even the four year old knows how to intuitively use the device and a variety of applications on it. And what parent doesn't value a simple way to keep children occupied at a doctors waiting room, restaurant or long trip.

The attractiveness of smart devices for both children and parents is leading many companies to create apps for the IOS (Apple iPhone/iPad operating system) and for Android (Google's mobile operating system). Researchers are studying how parents and children are using the devices. And schools are looking to smart devices as a way to ensure students graduate with tech savvy and to reduce their textbook spending.

In November, PBS published a study by the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop, capturing both the volume of smart device use AND the benefits. For example, the study showed that 2/3 of children between the ages 4-7 have used an iPhone or iPod touch. In fact, it turns out that my method of keeping the peace in the car is shared by many parents - children most often use the devices in the car.

The same study also demonstrated that children made gains in vocabulary comprehension, letter identification and rhyming after using PBS KIDS applications - MARTHA SPEAKS and SUPER WHY!.

Stuart Dredge of the Guardian identifies key trends for children's apps:
voice (Grandma, Mom reading the story),  pop-up interactivity (think interactive books),  licensed characters (Dora, Barbie, Pokemon) independent characters (Angry Birds), cameras and augmented reality (must get the Monster Scan app he mentioned), digital sandboxes (whiteboard) and education (flashcards, memory joggers, special needs).

The one thing that seems obvious is that the kids use Apps that are fun. My children love Simon Says, Labyrinth, Batter Up, Mastermind, Plants vs. Zombies, Amazon, Scribble and Solitaire (oldie by goodie). They know that they cannot use the iPad without permission and that permission is only granted in the car (after 1 hour of continuous travel), doctors office or weekend morning (provided they have practiced music and are dressed for the day). I'm not convinced any of these games are building academic skills - but they are learning problem solving, persistence and strategy - while having fun. In thirty minute maximum play periods, it seems like there is hope after all.

Article first published as Hands off my iPad: Children and Apps on Technorati. 

Declining to chat - safe social media

On a recent flight cross country, I was seated in the row behind my children (a specularly superior configuration than across the aisle, by the way) and tried Virgin America's seat-to-seat chat feature by inviting them to "chat with me".  I listened as they asked each other what the invitation actually was and was somewhat proud when they rejected my request.

What's a little unnerving is that they didn't ask me about it. As they get older, they'll be using social media a lot and they probably won't be rejecting every invitation. Social media is amazing - it's fun and makes connecting with long-distance friends easy. But it's also dangerous - particularly to kids. At the moment, my kids are safe because we don't permit them to use social media - they're too young. But I realize that I only have 2-3 more years before my eldest will need to use social media as part of fitting in with his middle school classmates.

From Holly Pavlika's article in Digiday Daily The Fuel:  

For all its positive force, social media still has a dark element. Parents need to know their “denial” is a predator’s best friend. And not to scare you, but just look at these three statistics:

• Nine out of 10 parents will never know there was any inappropriate contact made on the Internet. We’re clueless.
• 20% of children age 10-17 have been solicited sexually online. That’s one out of every five kids. 
• 76% of parents don’t have rules about what their kids can do on the computer, according to Netlingo.  

Ms. Pavlika references KidSafe's educational plan for social media - Stop. Block. Tell. This sounds reasonable and is a great thing to work on with my young children. 

But teenagers are different. Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman share considerable data in NurtureShock regarding the teenager's biological tendency to assert their independence and take risks. Stop. Block. Tell. may not do the trick when my teenagers are proving to themselves and me that they can take care of themselves.  Except they can't. Sometimes their judgment isn't the best and they post pictures they shouldn't. Sometimes they succumb to peer pressure and to be accepted, cyber-bully another teen. And unless I want to spend my life on social media tracking them, I'll likely never know unless something happens.  As Ms. Pavlika said, we're clueless.

There are two complimentary options we can use to both trust our teens in social media AND to keep them safe (from others and themselves).  The first is exactly what KidSafe is recommending - getting in the habit of talking about what's happening in the social media world starting when the kids are young so that they know they can talk with you about anything. The other is to consider a service like Social Shield (full disclosure: I'm an advisor to and investor in this company) - which monitors your children's social networking activity and sends you alerts if something unusual or questionable has occurred.  The idea behind Social Shield is to give parents the data to have a meaningful conversation without violating the child's privacy.

What other ideas and solutions are you considering and using to give your teenager independence online while keeping them safe and responsible?

Social Networking in the pre-tween set

Last week, a colleague at work recommended a social networking site for 6-10 year olds so that I could share it with my sons. I was struck by a combination of horror and curiosity. My friends with 11-17 year olds share real concerns about social networking and their tween/teenagers - but in the pre-tween set, they are just learning to type.

People are built to connect with other people - we start as newborns and some of the most important skills of preschool and elementary school are the social skills. In face to face settings, children learn the nuances of communication - how to be polite, how to be honest yet tactful, how to express your thoughts and how to fit in a group. Online, adults forget how to interact and become more aggressive, curt and bombastic. And the only real option is to delete the message.  Is this the place we want our children learning how to interact?

There's no doubt that my kids will be online earlier and more frequently than I am. My eldest loves having an email address - although he still asks permission to logon and view his messages. He has a limited community of people's email addresses.  And when he put his name in a raffle this weekend, he wrote my email address instead of him (a good choice).  He's learning to protect his privacy without yet knowing why.

For the under 12 set, I believe face to face interaction is essential - and it happens on playgrounds, sports teams and at school - not on screens.  The computer is for limited entertainment and for schoolwork - like reports. I looked at Togetherville and agree with the review on Digiday:Daily that this age group is too young to social network. For the record, I'm not a fan of webkinz or that genre either - make believe is better when it's make believe - not proscribed by a computer.

For the 12-17, I think parents have to be realistic in that their children are using text and social networking - now the question is how can a parent be part of the conversation while allowing their teenager some privacy.  There's a stealth company I'm involved with that has terrific technology and endorsements around power the conversation between parents and teenagers using social networks.  More on that in a future post...

What do you think?

Cliques in cyberspace, bullying on Facebook, IM and Social Media

In our home, the computer lives next to the breakfast nook in full view of adults.  We have strict control over when and how our children use the computer. But the prevalence of cyberbulling is epidemic with children and teens both as victims and perpectrators. This is cliques taken to an extreme.

So far, our family computer experiences have been delightful where our children have Skype video calls with their grandparents in Florida or New York or where they learn to type, play math games and sometimes play other games on Lego, NickJr or PBS. But in 6th grade, my son will receive a laptop from his school and he will bring it home and use it.  Its unrealistic to expect that he will use it in public places.  So we have to establish ground rules now about computer etiquette and consequences for violations. 

According to the National Crime Prevention Council (from Common Sense Media).

• 43% of children 13-17 report being cyberbullied in the last year
• Most victims "know" but cannot see the bully
• 53% of teens admit sending a nastygram
• Only 10% of victims told their parents

As I said yesterday, the only person you can control and change is yourself. One of my readers asked what I would do about cyberbullying.

First - our school has a Code of Conduct for computer usage that explicitly discusses cyberbullying.  Every child is expected to sign it - starting in Kindergarten.  Common Sense Media reports that children in 2nd grade report cyberbullying - so it's not too soon to start.  It's important that educators teach students about appropriate behavior online. Parents should expect this of their schools.

Second -family rules of usage for the computer.  Ours include:

• Mom and Dad have full access to your accounts - this will end at some point in high school
• Only send and accept messages from people you know
• Accept friend and buddy requests from people you know
• Learn how to block people in IM, Skype, Facebook and anywhere else we permit you to be online
• Do not send a message or a picture that you would not deliver in person, face to face. "Anything you post online, anyone can see.  Always."

If the rules are broken, the consequences are a complete loss of computer usage except in public spaces and only for school assignments.  Cell phone, if given, will be taken away.  First offense is one full week.  Second offense is a full month. If my child is a perpetrator of cyberbullying, the message/image they sent will be provided to the school and the victim's parents with a written apology from my child.  They will take responsibility for the pain they caused and the other child's parents will be able to help their child heal.  If they are bullied, we will teach our child first to ignore the attempts and defuse the situation. It if persists, we will teach them to take screen shots and report it to the school, parents (if known) and proper authorities (if required).

My third and final suggestion is to create/use a Family Media Agreement.  Common Sense Media offers one for K-5 age and one for grades 6-8.  When I was a teenager, my high school lost one student per year to drunk driving related accidents.  As a junior, a group of us formed a chapter of SADD - Students Against Driving Drunk. The cornerstone of SADD is the Contract for Life.  The process of reading, discussing, signing and abiding by this contract saved countless lives.  We'll read, discuss, sign and abide by our Family Media Agreement - and renew it annually.

• Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement for K-5
• Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement for Grades 6-8

What are you doing to help your child protect themselves from cyberbullying?

Device-off time - aka "breakfast"

Today's New York Times technology section highlighted a trend where families find themselves waking their teen's via text, lunging for laptops before and during breakfast, and basically feeling panicked if they cannot check Facebook before 7am.  This is not progress.  And this is setting up our kids to be stressed out and potentially very lonely.  There just isn't a device that can give a hug, celebrate achievements or wipe away a tear.

• Teenagers are caffeinating to stay up on machines - and falling asleep in school.
• More than one computer at home (and letting kids use them a lot) can result in LOWER math and reading abilities (this one is from 2004 - I'm sure it's not getting better).
• Children, Youth and Environments journal published how too much technology deprives children of interaction with nature and with other people - things that we need for mental health and success.

For us, it's not realistic to have no technology in the house and around the kids.  What is necessary is setting limits on OUR use of technology so that our kids learn healthy technology boundaries.

It's a real challenge - work starts around the world and we wake up in California needing to play catch up. But we focus on the example we're setting for our children about prioritizing the people you are actually with in the moment over the urgency of the digital universe. Unless you are in the business of saving lives (and are always on call - which sounds awful), there's nothing that cannot wait. Without boundaries on technology, we're losing the ability to entertain ourselves and to engage over day to day life in person.

Every electronic device has an off-switch. Starting with ourselves, we enforce "off-time" - during meals, during activities together. When our kids see us lunge for our laptops, they learn that it's expected and valuable to be "always on". We're not luddites - we use iPhones, Blackberries, laptops, iMacs and cell phones. Our children get "screen time" on the weekends for 2 hours each day. Additional screen time is only if assigned by a teacher. We don't have teenagers yet - but I'm leaning towards "phone/laptop check-in" before bed where they aren't returned until morning chores and breakfast are done. Perhaps our kids will have the chance to manage their own "off-time" with check-in as a consequence for bad management. It's hard for us to manage our screen time too. We logon after they go to bed and before they wake up. We try not to chat on the phone when we're driving with them. And sometimes, we just have to wait to get online.

How do you balance your need to be connected with setting boundaries for family time?