Jack in the Box and other problems

Children push limits and personally, I'm very glad that they do.  Learning that it's safe to push limits encourages children to explore and experiment.  The catch is that they have to learn where the actual limit is - especially if it has to do with their safety and health.  One limit every child likes to push is waking up in the middle of the night to engage Mom and/or Dad.  And not only is this irritating, but any reluctance to immediately and forcefully establish limits is both exhausting and damaging to your child.  Parents must firmly and irrevocably establish this limit as one that cannot be pushed - although I do love that my children regularly try to negotiate a later bedtime.  It's 7:30 for the baby and the 1st grader...the 3rd grader can read until 8:00.  Seven days a week - very few exceptions (like going to a hockey game for his birthday...he can stay up - but the next night, 7pm to bed).

In the new book, NurtureShock, the authors aggregate studies on all sorts of parenting issues.  Chapter 2 - The Lost Hour, is about the impact of losing sleep.  For example, in a scientifically robust study by Dr. Avi Sadeh of Tel Aviv University of 77 fourth-graders and sixth-graders, Sadeh found "A loss of one hour of sleep [in three days - so that's 15-30 minutes per day] is equivalent to [the loss of] two years of cognitive maturation and development." (emphasis mine - quote from Nuture Shock, locations 455-62 Kindle version). In other words, if you want your sixth grader to have the focus and mental acuity of a fourth grader, keep that child up 15-20 minutes late for three days.  If you don't believe me, try it.

For a younger child, lack of sleep can permanently inhibit healthy brain development - linking chronic sleep deprivation (15-30 minutes less than needed per day - not a lot) to poor academic performance, emotional instability, obesity and ADHD.  Yikes.  

So what's a parent to do?  The Jack in the Box method from Dr. Weissbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child works like a charm.  

1. Be loving and consistent with the bedtime routine.  Only do it once per night.  NOT AGAIN.
2. First time your child gets out of bed (Jack in the Box), confirm that he/she is healthy and do not react negatively or positively.  Simply walk them back to bed and put them in.  No cuddles, no songs, no milk, nothing.
3. Repeat step 2 as many times during the night as needed.  Remember that a negative reaction reinforces behavior just like a positive one - they get attention and engagement.

The first night, you may have to do this 50-100 times.  By the third night, your child will not wake you unless they are sick and truly need you.  Which shouldn't happen more than 2-3 times PER YEAR.  

My conversation this morning: 

"My child kept waking me up all night!"

"Why?"

"He said he was scared."

"How old and how often?"

"Five and every hour from 1 am until morning - I'm wrecked."

"You are the problem."

It's not a question of parenting philosophy here - it's a question of your child's health and mental development.  Friends who have tried the jack in the box method have told me I am certifiably insane after the first night...and by the third, I'm a genius.  Well - Dr. Weissbluth is.

What technique have you used to teach your child to stay in bed and get enough sleep?

Bunking for desks

Last November, we bought new dining room chairs and unintentionally ordered two desks for the boys. Since we never confirmed the order, the House of Values has graciously been storing them until we are ready for desks.  Our boys share a bedroom and desks require that we re-bunk their beds.  For a host of reasons (accidents, night terrors, laziness), we hadn't rebunked.

They're both going to have homework this year.  It's not clear that either of them have the discipline yet to sit at their own desk and focus on their homework without parental/au pair supervision.  After polling teachers, psychologists and other parents, we concluded that there is no right answer on where to do homework for elementary age kids.  It seems that the logical answer is to have lots of options.  A desk...the kitchen table...the coffee table...the floor...before jujitsu...after soccer - who knows.  I'm pretty sure that all reading in my boys reconfigured room will be on the floor.  A sign of success - 1st morning, Benjamin chose to read...on the floor.

The beds are bunked now and the room is suddenly spacious.  My eldest directed the movement of furniture by visually sizing the dresser and toy chest, determining that the best position for the desks was back to back so that they don't distract each other and finding the placement for the red and blue desks that arrive next Saturday.  Not only did he feel control over his space (and his parents), but he was precisely correct about how to make the most of the space in his shared room. 

Homework starts in earnest this week.  Our school, Wornick Jewish Day School, is very balanced about it - there's always reading and then a mix of math, Hebrew, science and writing - but they aim for no more than 30-45 minutes a night. And homework is for parents to supervise, not participate - the goal is to practice what they do in school. It's frustrating when they stall and struggle, but it's no help to our kids if we do their work for them.  I'd rather they fail trying to do homework and let the teacher know that they don't quite understand a concept then ensure perfect homework, but no real learning.

We don't have the desk as an option this week...but somehow I think we'll be alright for a week.  And next week, they can experiment will all sorts of quiet(ish) locations for homework.  I found this video from a teacher on YouTube talking about the purpose of homework and his recommendations for getting kids to do it.  Short and entertaining...even though he says "ditch the desk".

The answer is more sleep. What's the question?

My friend Laurette had a two month old daughter and called me on the carpet with “you bitch (smile in voice)! How could you not tell me what to do with my screaming daughter when you knew the answer?“ The answer is more sleep. Now, what is the question?

Laurette’s daughter was screaming when she was put down. She thought she was putting the baby down too early and she didn’t want to go to sleep. It’s a logical, adult conclusion. And completely wrong.

We learned early on that sleep begets sleep. To have (relatively) happy children, a good bet is more sleep starting as young as possible. For Laurette this meant putting her daughter down every night 15 minutes earlier and earlier until she found the hour where her daughter went to sleep with a few whimpers. Of course, her daughter slept through the night at 10 weeks or so. My kids needed to be forced to sleep through the night at 4 ½ months after I was ridiculed by the more seasoned moms in my first office.

After my first child was born and I returned to work, I was dragging because I had a nursing baby waking up at 2:00am to nosh. The other office moms laughed at me and I asked to know the joke.

• First child, you jump out of bed when they whimper to check if they are okay. You nurse and comfort them as needed until you are utterly exhausted.


• Second child, you jump out of bed when they are really screaming and might wake up the first child. You nurse them if there is no other option to get them to sleep.


• Third child, you throw out the monitor.

All three children grow up just fine.

That night, I kissed my son goodnight, told him I would see him at 6:30 am and turned off the monitor. I slept soundly and at 6:30 am, he was happy to see me. I don’t actually know how many nights he cried at 2:00am, but I don’t think it lasted very long. We were both a lot happier on a full night’s sleep.

The many virtues of sleep

It's shocking how virtually all of the behavioral challenges of my kids (and myself) can all be attributed to lack of sleep. Although we practice Judaism in the home, we are true disciples of sleep. Meaning that we run our lives so that our kids are in jammies by 7:00 and asleep by 7:30. Except for the baby, who is 11 weeks old and isn't yet on the program. That would be nice...

Sleep is the key to happy children who role with the punches. We find that even 15-30 minutes of shortage leads to a mess. For example, this morning our boys were fighting and shouting downstairs as they were preparing for their day of school/pre-school. I spoke with our eldest, who was devastated that our au pair had taken apart a lego airplane and hadn't apologized. Not sure what Livia did wrong, but he was having a fit. So I asked if his brother had woken him up that morning and sure enough, the younger one had woken the elder before he was ready. Hell hath no fury like a tired five year old.

Yesterday, after three hours of a bouncy-house birthday party, my younger boy and I stopped at a friends to meet their newborn. We couldn't find parking...anyway, we were parked on the sidewalk/driveway of their apartment and talking outside. Taylor, now nap-deprived, finds that his ears do not work when he is tired. So he is wandering into the street (and yes, I see him and stop him prior to getting there). And whining about wanting to go in their apartment. So much so, that he gets placed back in the car (I am standing next to the car), strapped in and the door shut. He needed a nap and two minutes into our drive home, he fell asleep.

Every time I deprive the kids of sleep, we pay. So - 11-12 hours a night plus a 1-3 hour nap for the under 5 set (and the 5 year old could use it)...that's the ticket for significant reduction in whining. Works for me.