Creating rituals and memories

In my mind, there are a series of memories I want my children to recall as adults. Baking challah on Friday for Shabbat where they do the braiding and the smell fills the house. Making homemade chocolate chip cookies from scratch (which entailed finding a recipe we like - thank you Trader Joe). Skiing together in Big Sky (or any other mountain). Some memories I try to create proactively and others I hope to remember from the moment.

There are moments every day that I hope I'll remember.  Like my daughter's giggle when I lay on the floor with her and kiss and tickle her.  Like my eldest's intense hugs. Like my younger son's first realization that he can recognize and read words on street signs and books - and announces them. It's hard in our fast paced society to slow down and experience moments.  Of course, there are plenty of moments I hope I'll forget such as the bickering in the car over who said what and who annoyed who.

My family is talkative and the kids talk non-stop in the car unless we are singing or listening to a book on tape (no digital dope unless it's a roadtrip longer than one hour). My family has a story that I talked incessantly as a child and that my mother asked me to pause so that I didn't lose my voice. And my three year old response was that talking was my favorite thing in the whole world and how could I stop. My kids heard that story from my Mom this weekend. They thought it was hilarious.  She thought it was sweet payback. I thought it was one of those moments that deserved to be recalled.

What memories do you proactively try to make and what moments do you find you recall?

Safe from unbalanced disappointment - this time

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to allow our younger son to join our eldest in trying out for competitive soccer and I wrote about our concerns and decision. On Friday, we got a call from the U8 coordinator that neither boy made the team, but that they would like both boys to join their Friday academy in the spring.

The coordinator, Norman, was gentle and let us know how competitive it was.  He also broached the conversation about our younger son saying that the coaches were emphatic about wanting him in the academy and that he's a very solid U7 player, but just not yet big enough to play (safely) in U8.  That said, next year, he's someone they want for the U8 team of 2011. According to Norman -

The coaches definitely saw something compelling in him.

For fun, I told Norman that Taylor was actually a U6 that had just turned 6.  He thought the coaches would have an estatic reaction - Taylor can play two years in U8!  And Norman told me that having heard this from the coaches, he now understood my email asking if my six-year old can try out for the competitive eight year old league. 

To tell the truth - I'm thrilled with the outcome.  Taylor isn't big enough to play safely in that league with that caliber of player - but he'll be challenged in the academy and next year (Spring 2011), he'll play up more safely. And Benjamin isn't convinced he wants to do super competitive sports - he wants time for music and rock climbing as well as soccer and lacrosse.  Renaissance man. 

We dodged the bullet of dealing with one child's disappointment by both of them not making the team.  Next year, if Benjamin tries out - it'll be for U9 and Taylor in U8 - non-competitive. We're sure that Taylor will get the coaching and cultivation he wants and that Benjamin will choose a variety of activities to explore.  Whew. Of course, Taylor may ultimately have to choose between competitive soccer and competitive baseball, but hopefully we have a couple of years before that!

Managing sibling competition

Like most parents, we don't enjoy the regular bickering between our two eldest children.  They love each other and share a room but get under each other's skin. It's normal.  Our eldest is competitive and he recognized a couple of years ago, when he was 6, that his younger brother is a natural athlete.  We've worked hard to keep them from being in head to head competition because we just thought that was best.

After reading NurtureShock and Outliers, we decided that we really weren't accomplishing anything with our artificial attempt to insulate Benjamin from Taylor's athletic talents.  We want Benjamin to enjoy sports regardless of his brother.  And we want Taylor to have the opportunity to develop his talents as far as he can.  This led us to decide that we would allow Taylor to join Benjamin at competitive soccer try-outs with the risk, however slight, that Taylor makes the team and Benjamin does not.

The risk is slight because over 70 boys try out for 36 under-8 spots.  So, the odds are against either boy making it.  These are the best 8 year olds in town - Taylor is two years younger.  And Benjamin is a solid and aggressive player - but not a gifted ball handler.  So, we'll see where it goes.  Realistically, we're going to face this problem again and again.  So far, we're encouraging their different interests so that they aren't directly competitive - but we ski together and soccer is the fall sport for now.  How do you manage sibling competition without someone feeling bad about themselves?

Cancer's in the Family - a how-to guide

I cried this morning on the elliptical machine as I worked out watching Brother's & Sisters on TiVo.  One of the sisters tells her family that she has stage-3 lymphoma and the show did a great job of capturing what that's really like for her and her family.  I know - I've been on the receiving end of that news a few times.  This is Breast Cancer Awareness month - so here's a Top Ten most important things to do when you find out that cancer's in the family.

1. Take a deep breath. Cancer doesn't mean death.  Not always and not even most of the time.  It's exhausting, scary and damn inconvenient, but it doesn't mean death. 


2. Don't say "Be Strong.  You can fight this.  You're going to win." because you don't know any of that and you are actually creating a lot of pressure on the patient.  Try - "I love you.  I'm so sad that this is happening to you.  I will be here for you night or day.".  It's what you mean anyway.


3. Listen respectfully.  It's helpful to ask if the patient or primary caregiver wants to give you the details now or some other time.  If it's now, take notes.  They really don't enjoy going over it again and again.  If it's later, leave it alone until another time.
   
   
4.  Offer to do something concrete rather than saying "how can I help?".  For example, a day care friend (i.e. we saw each other off and on for years at drop off and pick up) looked pretty haggard one day two years ago.  We have three kids the same ages.  I asked her what was wrong and she said her husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer a few days earlier.  I asked what stage - she said early.  Then I asked if she and he had had any time together to process this - and she looked at me the way a mother of three who works full time can look - no.  So I told her that I would take her kids.  The next weekend.  The entire weekend.  All three.  No strings.  And I told her to let me.  They did.  We had a great time - and more importantly, the mom and dad grieved, loved and girded for their battle.  Which they won.  So choose something to offer - 
   1. Cook or set up a meal delivery. both.
   2. Take over carpool duties for a day
   3. Do the laundry for them
   4. Go wig shopping (if a woman and chemo is on the menu)
   5. Take their primary caregiver out for a fun night
   6. Take their kids for a weekend or more
   7. Fly out to be with them for a period of treatment or recovery - if you are a self-sufficient guest
      
      
5. Have fun with wig shopping.  It's an unfortunate reality of chemo that in most cases, your patient will lose her hair.  Be prepared.  Warm hats.  Scarves.  And wig shopping with a bottle of wine (and designated driver). Try on a few...encourage her to try new looks.  As my sister said - whenever is her husband going to be out with a redhead?

1. Make time to deal with your feelings.  Everyone feels terrible for the patient and then feels guilty because the next set of thoughts are about what if this happens to me.  Often followed by what is this person's illness going to mean to me.  It's normal.  It's not happening to you and you don't know what it would be like if it were - so don't spend time imagining it.  And the illness is going to disrupt your life.  Potentially a lot.  And it will remind you of all the blessings in your life and of the gifts we get every day by being here.  So, roll with it.  Hug your kids.
   
   
2. Tell people - with permission.  If the patient is ready to be public and you are going to take an active role supporting him or her, you need your people to know.  Your boss. Your friends.  Because you are going to need them.  Earlier this year, I got two calls within two minutes from my sister.  That's family code for PICK UP THE PHONE.   I answered "are you alright?" and the response I got was a sob and "no, I'm not.  Can you meet me at CPMC now."  I told my colleagues that I had to meet my sister at the hospital and was leaving.  They knew she'd been having complications from a post-cancer surgery and there was support around me. Everyone goes through this sooner or later - just tell people what's going on.
   
   
3. Tell the patient how you feel about them.  Especially if the cancer is advanced and terminal.  Don't wait to tell them what they mean to you and how you feel about them.  It's a good idea to do that every day with everyone you love anyway - but this is a time to make a special effort. Cancer doesn't pick it's patients and it's not fair or just.  It just is.


4. Don't tell the patient what to do.  Don't tell them about the treatments that worked or didn't for someone else.  You aren't their doctor and you don't have the details.  If they want your advice, they'll ask for it.  You are there to support them - you cannot fix this, so don't try.
   
   
5. Work to fund research for better treatments, earlier detection, vaccines and more.  I've been theSupport Sandi & Breast Cancer Research daughter, sister, grand-daughter and friend of cancer patients.  I've been blessed not to have been one so far.  I do NOT want to be the mother of one.  I cannot imagine how hard that is.  My mother, a 26 year survivor, is doing her Race for the Cure in January.  She walks for me, my sister, my niece and my daughter.  I hope you'll support her or your favorite cancer advocacy and research non-profit.

Please comment with additional coaching you would give to someone just learning that cancer's in their family. And if you are in the battle - I hope you win.

The Second Baby Surprise

Planned or not, parents know a lot more about what to expect when their second child is born.  After all, you did alright with the first one, right?  So you know you'll eventually sleep again, someday they'll stop crying and that either breast or bottle will nourish them.  You may not believe it, but you are capable of loving another being as much as you love your first - it's amazing.

What's not amazing are some of the surprises.  Everyone anticipates dealing with sibling rivalry but no one talks about the challenge of being a working (outside the home) mom who is suddenly on maternity leave.  

With my first child, I went to the "how to have a baby" class and met Dr. Jessica.  We spent my maternity leave together - walking our babies, going to Costco and Target to get supplies, working through crying and sleepless nights.  Then I returned to work and she spent a year home with her daughter.  We stayed good friends.  I set up an infrastructure to support our two career family - day care, 5 days a week.  She set up activities to build a network of moms and activities for her daughters - music class, Little Wonders.  We exchanged date nights on Thursday nights.

We had our second children at roughly the same time, an unplanned but welcome coincidence.  I was just as ready to hang out, go to Costco and Target together, but this time was different.  Jessica had a life.  She had activities for her daughter.  And we didn't need many supplies because we already had them.  We still talked a lot - but she couldn't rearrange her life because mine was on hiatus.  Nor should she.

This happens to almost every working mom I know.  And our husbands should expect it - we're going to be stir crazy and starved for adult conversation.  And, we're very likely to resume working faster than we expected - because we need SOMETHING TO DO.  So, the second baby surprise is to have a plan, in advance, for how you will set up the infrastructure of your life if you decide to go back to work.  

When my second son was born, I was shocked at how lonely and bored I was.  Luckily, my boss and my company were very digital and I could work on my schedule to support the company's marketing needs - at my option.  Unfortunately, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 days before I gave birth - but my maternity leave gave me the flexibility to be available to her and her fiance for chemo-treatments and doctors appointments.  

If you work outside the home full time and you are having your second child, spend some time thinking about projects you can do, flexibly of course, after baby is born when you are home recovering and bonding.  Your first baby friends likely have a life and you'll have a lot of alone time.  

What surprised you about adapting to your second baby?  Or third if you had twins!