Kvelling of the Yiddisha Mama

It’s amazing that a book about the extreme discipline and focus of a high-achieving Chinese-American working mother has sparked a national discussion on parenting priorities. Certainly Professor Chua’s style is highly focused on measurable achievement – top scores, top grades, perfect performances. And David Brooks argues that she’s coddling her girls by keeping them from learning to navigate the social and emotional world.

Every parent I know (an admittedly self-selected set with fairly synchronous socio-economic characteristics) has high expectations of their children and values education. And we have a surprisingly varied array of approaches to conveying that value to our children.  We also value emotional intelligence and struggle to balance letting our kids learn by experience versus coaching them through social situations.  Here are some of our core values and how we are trying to teach them.

• Responsibility - we use homework as an opportunity to develop this value. We expect them to do their homework and do it neatly. If they don’t do it properly, it’s between them and their teacher because that’s how we teach them to be responsible for their own work. But we do check in that they are doing it.
   
• Achievement - we expect them to apply themselves and work hard in school and in their activities. We let them know that we are communicating with their teachers and getting assessments on their effort. We want them to know that we will hold them accountable for making their best effort.
   
• Continuing education – last week, my son asked about his college fund and tuition.  I showed him his account and we looked up tuition at Cal Berkeley and Stanford. He appreciated how much money it would take for him to get an education – and that education is an investment.
   
• Community – we discuss that our children are representing us, our school and our people in the world and that we expect them to treat people with respect and try to make the world a better place. And if they don’t, we express disappointment on par with if they don’t do their best on a test. That said, we believe that they should work out their own disagreements and ask parents for suggestions and advice, but not to fix it. They know we are in their corner, but they have to make their way in the world.
   
• Mastery – every parent I know struggles to get their aspiring Mozart to practice their instrument and we are no different. Each piece of music is an opportunity to achieve mastery. Often, we find that having a performance focuses their practice and the fear of performing badly motivates more effort – resulting in the pride of mastery. 

At the end of the day, my husband and I think you cannot change a child’s inherent wiring but with lots of sleep (11 hours plus per night), good food (no soft drinks, juices or excess sweets), little screen time during the week and consistency in our expectations for school, behavior and music, we have a shot at creating self-directed, well adjusted but ambitious adults who are inspired to make a real contribution to the world.

What are your key values and how do you engage with your children to help them develop them?

Joy, addiction and obligations of parenting

Do we have children because of instinct, obligation or something else?

Shankar Vedantam in Slate provoked a virulent response when he suggested that parenting is an addiction where the brief moments of ecstasy from a child’s love overcome the many frustrations and compromises made to parent them. And yet no one knows the love of a child when we first consider having one.

The commentary ranged from outcries over parents having more children then they can afford (although, in my opinion, unfairly criticizing only the mother’s for this behavior – and it does take two to tango) to religious beliefs to questions of feeling complete, one of the comments noted that every living thing on earth exists to procreate. 

I think it’s likely a mix of instinct, obligation and something else. But for us, choosing to have a child was a great expression of hope. Considering we had a huge mortgage and neither of us had jobs at the time we conceived, we were perhaps irresponsibly optimistic. But we had hope about our future and the future of the world. Our children are endless possibility as well as endless obligation. For some time following the birth of my first child, I wondered if my dreams were now relegated to history as I had to protect and provide for him.  My conclusion is that my dreams adapted to include my family. When I performed in a rock band at the Fillmore a few weeks ago, sharing it with my sons was possibly the very best part.

A child is also a reminder that G-d or fate or the universe has a funny sense of humor. While they are full of possibilities, as a parent we have little sway over what possibilities our child will pursue. And their choices are often the source of frustration as well as wonder. For example, I’d like my eldest to love piano and he does like to play, but his heart calls him to the drums. And so that’s where he’ll focus. Many parents stress over the high schools, colleges and careers of their children – and none of us have a great deal of control over it anyway.

As we strive to keep just one step behind our busy family, I find myself consciously trying to stop and codify the moments of bliss in my memory. Sure, there is a surge of happiness (oxytocin to be biological) when my children hug, kiss and say they love me. And if I don’t see them for a few evenings because of work and other commitments, I find myself stressed out – and just being with them is the remedy. Lately, I’ve found that participating in moments of wonder – writing a song, drawing a picture or launching a rocket – is another source of sustaining memories.  I think these moments happen every day – and the challenge is to stay tuned in enough to notice them.

My bullying prevention program

The first week of October featured a flurry of discussion about bullying in the US – Newsweek , People Magazine, CNN (a week of coverage on bullying).  I was saddened and shocked by the children who committed suicide after bullying. 

Bullying happens.  It has happened since the dawn of time. Animals do it in the wild – they fight for social status and breeding rights. And so do people – we jockey for social position and that jockeying is hurtful to the person who doesn’t win. I know, as a kid, I was pretty low on the social status meter as a child.

Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman’s NurtureShock aggregated research showing that “Zero Tolerance” is a 100% failure (chapter 9, Plays Well with Others - synopsis here).  It often penalizes play or simple bad judgement. With the severity of the penalties for any form of bullying (“tag” is considered bullying by some definitions), the children drive this behavior underground where the bullying includes threats if the subject asks for help.  Zero tolerance is catchy and as a parent, sounds reassuring, but it doesn’t work. And it’s not realistic training for life.

How do you stop bullying? Or help your child avoid the temptation of being a bully online or in person?  How should you help your child deal with being bullied? Is there any way to enable your child to share with you if they feel bullied (and verify the story if needed)?

From all the writing of the week of Oct. 4 plus NurtureShock and my own experience, I think parents have all the tools we need to conduct a 16 year bullying prevention program.

1. Start when they are toddlers.  Kindness must be taught to toddlers and reinforced for the rest of childhood. If you explain, model and reward kindness with social status, children learn that there is a healthy path to social acceptance. If you missed this window, start now.
2. Parents, teachers and people in the community have to make an effort to recognize and applaud kindness. And be absolute in reaction if your child is a bully – it’s unacceptable and they should be ashamed and embarrassed.
3. Listen to our children without taking action. They need to decide what they want us to do – to just listen, to brainstorm, to act. They have to know it’s safe to tell us what’s happening.
4. Help our children develop a thick skin. Not everyone is nice or polite. Not everyone is going to like you. Sometimes you have to let it roll off you.
5. Teach our children when and how to fight back.  Whether through words or acts, in person or digitally, they have to know how to stand up for themselves.

True zero tolerance comes from their peers. Kids, especially teenagers, care more about what their friends think than what their parents or teachers think. Zero tolerance comes from peer pressure. When, among your peers, it’s just not okay to be a bully – when it lowers your social status – there’s no benefit to doing it. And it stops.

What do you do about preventing and dealing with bullying?

Overhearing talk of drugs and sex

At some point in adolescence, my kids are going to hear someone they respect bragging about drugs and/or sex. The question is how will they react to that experience. Will they talk with me about it, avoid mentioning it or lie?

My friend's 13 year old son has a 17 year old mentor/friend. Together with other people, they went on a camping trip recently and at some point, the 13 year old overheard his friend talking about trying pot. The 17 year old was NOT talking about it with the 13 year old.

The 13 year old came home and talked with his parents.  He told his parents that he was really disappointed in this 17 year old and that he thought what the 17 was doing was wrong.

They responded that they were so glad he told them about this. And they talked about why he was disappointed.  They didn't get angry or jump into action to talk to the 17 year old or his parents. 

In NurtureShock, Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman show that all children lie and parents cannot detect it.  They lie to protect us and to protect themselves and to fit in. They lie to copy us...what's a parent to do?

From Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman:

Increasing the threat of punishment for lying only makes children hyperaware of the potential personal cost. It distracts children from learning how their lies affect others. 

Lots of rules don't work either since parents cannot keep track, generally don't enforce consistently and children get good at avoiding getting caught.  It appears that most children lie to avoid confrontation (for themselves or their friends) - and that's what was so amazing about my friend's response to his son.  He didn't put his son in the position of ratting out his friend and he didn't start a confrontation.  He let his son talk it out with him and reach his own conclusion. 

It's never too early to create a relationship where your child can talk to you. I am thinking a lot about how I react and listen to my kids so that when they are 13, just maybe they'll share with me just like my friend's son did with him.

What are you doing to foster that sort of open dialogue while still conveying your values?

Raising smart kids

Everyone seems to talk about how their children are succeeding or struggling at school and many preschool, middle school and high school parents talk about choosing a school to maximize their child’s potential. We’re all aware that it’s a competitive world out there and that entry to good colleges is only going to be tougher.  There’s a lot of pressure on the kids and the schools.

Firstly, I don’t actually believe that going to a good college is a guarantee of anything AND I don’t believe that going to a less competitive college is a disadvantage, necessarily.  There are scores of accomplished people whose college you wouldn’t recognize.  And there are scores of graduates from top colleges that, while bright, haven’t accomplished all that much. There are simply no guarantees in life.

Second, I don’t think accomplishment is the ultimate goal.  As a parent, I want my children to be self-sufficient, productive and happy.  I want them to learn to solve problems, make good choices and to accept personal responsibility for every choice they make – including how they react to situations that don’t go their way.  That’s my definition of a smart kid.

Thirdly, I think parents have to take as much responsibility for maximizing their child’s potential as they expect of schools.  I have a short list of what those actions include (thanks to NurtureShock for much of the research):

1. Strict bedtimes.  Every night – seven days a week. It doesn’t matter when you get home, their needs come first. The research is very clear – children of all ages, and especially teenagers, need a ton of sleep in order to learn, manage their impulses, and be pleasant company. And the bedtime needs to be the same all seven nights. Read more about sleep.
2. Limit screen time. Really – limit it.  Go outside. Read a book.  Play a game.  Do something that isn’t looking at a screen.  Mobile phone screens count. Research is strong here too. TV and computers are not effective babysitters – they don’t engage your child.  Everyone needs to unplug.
3. Run your puppies.  Not only does it help your children learn a healthy lifestyle, research shows that daily physical activity increases the brain’s attention span and alertness.
4. Eat dinner together as much as possible.  I’m realistic that many families simply cannot do this every night. But research shows that doing it most nights leads to children who do better in school, stay off drugs and are safer.  Plus, it’s an opportunity to talk.
5. Limit junk food and soda.  The sugar spike gets kids wound up and then they crash – and no one can learn while fighting off a physical need to sleep.  Plus, it’s good to learn delayed gratification and healthy eating.

As a Trustee at a community day school, I invite and hear the expectations of parents regarding the school’s responsibilities to cultivate their child’s intellect. They are wonderful ideas and reflect the love and hope of these parents for their children. But if we graded ourselves, as parents, on just these five “subjects”, how many of us would get straight-As?