Establishing boundaries with other parents

One of my key parenting philosophies is to establish clear boundaries with my children so that they know what is expected of them. I've developed friendships with other parents - and some share my boundaries and some have different expectations of their children. My dilemma is whether or not to share observations of a friend's child with the friend.

Nothing angers a parent more than someone else offering "advice" on how to parent their child. Most of us are not experts in parenting - we're learning as we go. So, my general instinct is not to offer "observations" unless specifically asked.  I wonder if I am respecting boundaries or just staying safe.

Three situations - a mix of real and hypothetical - and I'd love to know if you would tell the parents and risk their anger and potential cutting off the friendship.  Or would you speak directly to the child? Or do nothing?

• You observe their child acting like a bully - verbally or physically - in a repeated way.  Not sadistic, but deliberately nasty with the intent of making another child feel bad. Should you let the children work it out?  Speak to the bully? Speak to the parents?
• You observe their child acting too mature for their age - flirting with adults of the opposite gender to the point of the other adult's discomfort.  Should the adult involved say something?  Should an observer?
• You observe their child cheating - in a game.  Again - should the players work it out?  Should you address the child or address the parents?

And when should you act - in the moment or after reflection?  Or not at all? What is the trigger between letting children work it out and helicopter parenting?

We say it takes a village, but whenever I think of recanting a negative story about a friend's child to the friend, I think deeply about the helpfulness.  Correcting behavior works best (some would say only) immediately folllowing the offense.  The parent may become angry with their child and not be able to effect meaningful change. I wonder if I am really helping the child and parent or just "tattling". What do you do?

For the record, I give any of you the right to call my kids out on an error immediately when it happens and help them choose more appropriate behavior.  Please let me know afterwards.

Cliques in cyberspace, bullying on Facebook, IM and Social Media

In our home, the computer lives next to the breakfast nook in full view of adults.  We have strict control over when and how our children use the computer. But the prevalence of cyberbulling is epidemic with children and teens both as victims and perpectrators. This is cliques taken to an extreme.

So far, our family computer experiences have been delightful where our children have Skype video calls with their grandparents in Florida or New York or where they learn to type, play math games and sometimes play other games on Lego, NickJr or PBS. But in 6th grade, my son will receive a laptop from his school and he will bring it home and use it.  Its unrealistic to expect that he will use it in public places.  So we have to establish ground rules now about computer etiquette and consequences for violations. 

According to the National Crime Prevention Council (from Common Sense Media).

• 43% of children 13-17 report being cyberbullied in the last year
• Most victims "know" but cannot see the bully
• 53% of teens admit sending a nastygram
• Only 10% of victims told their parents

As I said yesterday, the only person you can control and change is yourself. One of my readers asked what I would do about cyberbullying.

First - our school has a Code of Conduct for computer usage that explicitly discusses cyberbullying.  Every child is expected to sign it - starting in Kindergarten.  Common Sense Media reports that children in 2nd grade report cyberbullying - so it's not too soon to start.  It's important that educators teach students about appropriate behavior online. Parents should expect this of their schools.

Second -family rules of usage for the computer.  Ours include:

• Mom and Dad have full access to your accounts - this will end at some point in high school
• Only send and accept messages from people you know
• Accept friend and buddy requests from people you know
• Learn how to block people in IM, Skype, Facebook and anywhere else we permit you to be online
• Do not send a message or a picture that you would not deliver in person, face to face. "Anything you post online, anyone can see.  Always."

If the rules are broken, the consequences are a complete loss of computer usage except in public spaces and only for school assignments.  Cell phone, if given, will be taken away.  First offense is one full week.  Second offense is a full month. If my child is a perpetrator of cyberbullying, the message/image they sent will be provided to the school and the victim's parents with a written apology from my child.  They will take responsibility for the pain they caused and the other child's parents will be able to help their child heal.  If they are bullied, we will teach our child first to ignore the attempts and defuse the situation. It if persists, we will teach them to take screen shots and report it to the school, parents (if known) and proper authorities (if required).

My third and final suggestion is to create/use a Family Media Agreement.  Common Sense Media offers one for K-5 age and one for grades 6-8.  When I was a teenager, my high school lost one student per year to drunk driving related accidents.  As a junior, a group of us formed a chapter of SADD - Students Against Driving Drunk. The cornerstone of SADD is the Contract for Life.  The process of reading, discussing, signing and abiding by this contract saved countless lives.  We'll read, discuss, sign and abide by our Family Media Agreement - and renew it annually.

• Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement for K-5
• Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement for Grades 6-8

What are you doing to help your child protect themselves from cyberbullying?

Cliques redux

From 3rd grade to 5th grade, I had very few school friends.  Literally - 2. Unlike the Motherlode story from yesterday, no clique-moms were banning their daughters from being my friend.  It was authentic dislike - the children in my classes didn't want to be my friend.  I can recall how that felt to this day (suffice to say, it's been more than 30 years).

At the time, my parents assured me that having one good friend was worth more than lots of playmates.  They told me that the other children were jealous or otherwise not worth the heartache I was feeling.  As a parent, I am certain that their hearts were breaking every time I cried or railed.

Image courtesy of http:/kidsblogs.nationalgeographic.com/

When I responded to the Motherlode inquiry yesterday, I assumed that the other Mom's were in the wrong and that the subject's daughter was an innocent victim. In reflection, neither is probably true.  And my suggestion to confront the Moms is probably not going to help the subject or her daughter. Even as children, we filter everything that happens to us through our interpretation of what's happening.  And we are hard-wired not to find fault with ourselves.  These two human conditions make it difficult to resolve a lot of interpersonal issues.

I loved school and loved to learn. And in 5th grade, hurt by the continued ostracization and teasing at school, I began having headaches that prevented my attending. Ultimately, I talked with a child psychologist about what was happening.  He helped the 10 year old me see that I was not completely innocent in this story - but that some of my behaviors were provoking the very response I hated. And we worked on what to do.

So - my more thoughtful answer to the Motherlode subject and her daughter is that the only person in the world anyone can change is herself. No one else. Her daughter is reacting to what is happening at school as a reflex - and an understandable one.  Bad things happen to people every day.  People are nasty to people every day.  We cannot control or prevent these events - but we can learn different interpretations and reactions.  We can change how we interact with our environment and the environment will change as a result.

Starting at the end of fifth grade and continuing to this very day, I became an ardent student of group dynamics.  I lacked natural instincts (obviously) so I developed conscious ones. I learned how to dial down (and dial up) my intense, strong personality. I never was the most popular kid in school, but I had good friends and still do.

As I parent my children, I see familiar personality traits.  I know that these traits will have ramifications in their social interactions - positive and negative.  All I can do is help my children become aware of their reactions and conscious in choosing how they want to respond to anything.

• If you want a friend, be a friend. 
• If you want to be loved, love first. Don't wait.
• Don't try to change someone else - change yourself. 

If two girls are excluding you on the playground, find a way to have fun and play with someone else.  It's okay to feel sad but heartache and rejection aren't fatal and can be short-lived. Let go of the sadness because every day is a gift and how you experience it is up to you.

Cliques and banning friendships

In the New York Times Motherlode, a reader posed a question regarding how to handle a situation where two 4th grade girls, who were excluding her daughter, were instructed by their parents to "ban" the girl when she told the teacher she felt excluded.

Been there.  Felt that.

Motherlode asked readers for advice for this Mom and it was colorful.  Of course, some pointed out that parents must have knowledge of their children's friends and those friends' parents.  In light of the Skittles Parties post, there is no question that parents must know with who their children are socializing.

There is a difference between knowing your children's friends and parents in order to ensure your child's safety AND helicoptering over your child's social life.  The first is a necessity - and if a child is "less desireable" because of values or behavior, I believe you need to explain to your child what you observe and disapprove.  This reinforces your values explicitly to your child and helps your child learn that the child himself (or herself) is responsible for his/her choices in behavior.

It's entirely different to manipulate your children's friendships to achieve some sort of social strata or in retaliation for a perceived slight. Parents need to actively discourage cliques and schools need to help reinforce a welcoming culture. That's not to say that children should not have and express preferences - but that children must be taught, by their parents, that's its not okay to make someone else feel bad or deliberately hurt someone else though exclusion.  It's no different than physical bullying - and this situation sounds like its sanctioned by the parents.

One of the things I really love about our school is that we have a counselor who starts working with the students in 3rd grade to talk about social pressure, exclusion and community values.  I love that our teachers actively encourage children to work with every other child and remind the children that they are obligated to be helpful, warm and supportive regardless of who their work partner is.  It's not that we're completely clique-free - people will be people - but there are many opportunities for a child to be included and to find their place.Image thanks to Clattery Machinery

The reader at Motherlode asked for advice - here's mine: "Confront" the moms. Let them know that their daughters have stated that they are not allowed to be friends with your daughter and you hope this is just a misunderstanding.  And that you hope that these Moms would never encourage their daughters to deliberately exclude another child.  Then I would invite them and their daughters to visit at your home to play and discuss the incident. Be very welcoming. Let your daughter work it out with their daughters and determine if they all want to be friends. And teach your daughter to be direct with the girls - I enjoy spending time with you and we've had fun together - let's work this out with our Moms and the teacher. This gives you the opportunity to show your child the values of being direct and being forgiving.  Your daughter might still lose these friendships and will need to learn the value of moving on - but she will have learned your values and life skills.

What would you do?

Cancer's in the Family - a how-to guide

I cried this morning on the elliptical machine as I worked out watching Brother's & Sisters on TiVo.  One of the sisters tells her family that she has stage-3 lymphoma and the show did a great job of capturing what that's really like for her and her family.  I know - I've been on the receiving end of that news a few times.  This is Breast Cancer Awareness month - so here's a Top Ten most important things to do when you find out that cancer's in the family.

1. Take a deep breath. Cancer doesn't mean death.  Not always and not even most of the time.  It's exhausting, scary and damn inconvenient, but it doesn't mean death. 


2. Don't say "Be Strong.  You can fight this.  You're going to win." because you don't know any of that and you are actually creating a lot of pressure on the patient.  Try - "I love you.  I'm so sad that this is happening to you.  I will be here for you night or day.".  It's what you mean anyway.


3. Listen respectfully.  It's helpful to ask if the patient or primary caregiver wants to give you the details now or some other time.  If it's now, take notes.  They really don't enjoy going over it again and again.  If it's later, leave it alone until another time.
   
   
4.  Offer to do something concrete rather than saying "how can I help?".  For example, a day care friend (i.e. we saw each other off and on for years at drop off and pick up) looked pretty haggard one day two years ago.  We have three kids the same ages.  I asked her what was wrong and she said her husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer a few days earlier.  I asked what stage - she said early.  Then I asked if she and he had had any time together to process this - and she looked at me the way a mother of three who works full time can look - no.  So I told her that I would take her kids.  The next weekend.  The entire weekend.  All three.  No strings.  And I told her to let me.  They did.  We had a great time - and more importantly, the mom and dad grieved, loved and girded for their battle.  Which they won.  So choose something to offer - 
   1. Cook or set up a meal delivery. both.
   2. Take over carpool duties for a day
   3. Do the laundry for them
   4. Go wig shopping (if a woman and chemo is on the menu)
   5. Take their primary caregiver out for a fun night
   6. Take their kids for a weekend or more
   7. Fly out to be with them for a period of treatment or recovery - if you are a self-sufficient guest
      
      
5. Have fun with wig shopping.  It's an unfortunate reality of chemo that in most cases, your patient will lose her hair.  Be prepared.  Warm hats.  Scarves.  And wig shopping with a bottle of wine (and designated driver). Try on a few...encourage her to try new looks.  As my sister said - whenever is her husband going to be out with a redhead?

1. Make time to deal with your feelings.  Everyone feels terrible for the patient and then feels guilty because the next set of thoughts are about what if this happens to me.  Often followed by what is this person's illness going to mean to me.  It's normal.  It's not happening to you and you don't know what it would be like if it were - so don't spend time imagining it.  And the illness is going to disrupt your life.  Potentially a lot.  And it will remind you of all the blessings in your life and of the gifts we get every day by being here.  So, roll with it.  Hug your kids.
   
   
2. Tell people - with permission.  If the patient is ready to be public and you are going to take an active role supporting him or her, you need your people to know.  Your boss. Your friends.  Because you are going to need them.  Earlier this year, I got two calls within two minutes from my sister.  That's family code for PICK UP THE PHONE.   I answered "are you alright?" and the response I got was a sob and "no, I'm not.  Can you meet me at CPMC now."  I told my colleagues that I had to meet my sister at the hospital and was leaving.  They knew she'd been having complications from a post-cancer surgery and there was support around me. Everyone goes through this sooner or later - just tell people what's going on.
   
   
3. Tell the patient how you feel about them.  Especially if the cancer is advanced and terminal.  Don't wait to tell them what they mean to you and how you feel about them.  It's a good idea to do that every day with everyone you love anyway - but this is a time to make a special effort. Cancer doesn't pick it's patients and it's not fair or just.  It just is.


4. Don't tell the patient what to do.  Don't tell them about the treatments that worked or didn't for someone else.  You aren't their doctor and you don't have the details.  If they want your advice, they'll ask for it.  You are there to support them - you cannot fix this, so don't try.
   
   
5. Work to fund research for better treatments, earlier detection, vaccines and more.  I've been theSupport Sandi & Breast Cancer Research daughter, sister, grand-daughter and friend of cancer patients.  I've been blessed not to have been one so far.  I do NOT want to be the mother of one.  I cannot imagine how hard that is.  My mother, a 26 year survivor, is doing her Race for the Cure in January.  She walks for me, my sister, my niece and my daughter.  I hope you'll support her or your favorite cancer advocacy and research non-profit.

Please comment with additional coaching you would give to someone just learning that cancer's in their family. And if you are in the battle - I hope you win.