My tips for managing 7-year-old boy outbursts

My son is bright, athletic and unfortunately, quick tempered with the tendency to react physically. He runs away. He’ll hit someone. Sometimes he’ll curse (which is actually an improvement, but still not appropriate). We’re working with his school to help him develop the emotional maturity to express anger and frustration rather than act on it. We know that by the time he’s nine, it’ll be better. But he’s seven and it wasn’t a big surprise when the sleepaway camp sent an email that he was having some “behavior issues”.  Most impressive was that they asked for strategies to help him succeed. 

My son isn’t particularly unique – his emotional development is normal. Average. Unimpressive, but not clinically delayed or anything.  And the motherhood manual doesn’t include strategies to help a little boy react older than he is. So – here’s my addendum to the motherhood manual – my top ten tricks for managing a 7-year-old boy.

1. Create a meaningful reward chart
   Tried and true, goal oriented boys like to have a target to reach. Create a reward chart for the bunk, group, siblings or class so that they can support each other.  Make tasks that they need to do together in order to succeed. Make the reward something they really like – a pizza party, ice cream social, extra baseball game.
   
   
2. Put him on a team
   Make the group a team. Find a way to get them to “score”.  When they aren’t in the game, can they score by cheering for their friends? Who is the loudest cheering “team”? When they are waiting at the flagpole or before a meal, is there a game about finding the coolest cloud in the sky or the biggest leaf on a tree?  They like to compete.  Have them work together.
   
   
3. Create and stick to a routine
   Routines make children feel secure. They need to know what is going to happen and when – how long will they have to wait?  When is the next game?  Tell them the routine, try to make it consistent from day to day and if the routine involves time, give them a way to tell time (position of the sun or shadows is fun).
   
   
4. Give him a job
   Responsibility breeds self-respect. Each member of the bunk can have a job. They should know what their job is (line leader, bathroom inspector, laundry distributor, ball collector, game organizer, etc). Their job might aid in achieving the reward chart.
   
   
5. Set expectations before the start of a game
   Few boys will ever want to sit out of part of a game, even if they should. Explain up front that during the game, you may get called out and when you are called out, you need to go to the sidelines quickly and cheer.  And then, when the game is over, we’ll start a new game and everyone can play. Except in a tournament when you are out for good. Then you cheer!
   
   
6. Give him words to express his feelings
   Boys often do not have an extensive emotional vocabulary and its important not to talk him out of his feelings.  If he’s mad, let him be mad.  Talk about how it feels to be mad and what made him mad. Then ask him what he can do about feeling mad.  Until he decides he doesn’t feel mad anymore.
   
   
7. Don’t let him idle/stand in line
   Idle hands go wild. So – if there is waiting in line, give them something to do.  Sing a waiting song…do pushups…strike a pose…climb a fence.  Anything that keeps the hands active and not on each other.
   
   
8. Give him someone/something to take care of
   My son does especially well when he feels responsible for someone else’s well being.  It could be the dog but it’s better if it’s another child. He’s an attentive friend and big brother if he’s needed. Pair boys up and give them the responsibility to help each other make good choices.
   
   
9. Supervise especially in down time
   Even though it might get mind-numbingly boring or infuriatingly irritating, you have to watch them and interfere if they cannot resolve a conflict. It’s a delicate balance between helicoptering and Lord of the Flies. But if a situation is escalating, try not to resolve it – just introduce new words to redirect it.
10. Give him a hug
    He’s a little boy trying to act big. He needs a hug.  A lot of hugs. He doesn’t know to ask for them – but he needs someone to wrap their arms around him and hold him tight for a few minutes so that he feels safe and loved.

What would you add to the manual?  Any techniques work for you and your active boy?

Escape Artist

Every parent of a toddler knows that toddlers take off running in an instant - but they usually stop by age 2.5. It's a lot more uncommon when your second grader repeatedly attempts to run off the school campus.  For a week, that's what my son started doing and because of the safety concerns and disruption caused, the school and our family needed to take swift action.

At first, we thought it was a plea for attention and normal (for him) limit pushing. As the Head of School and I brainstormed, she urged me to think about what might be driving the behavior because children behave for a reason - and as parents, we have to understand the reason in order to modify the behavior.

Attention?  Upon reflection, he got a lot of Daddy attention that week - although I was out of town.  

Running away - the action led me to wonder what he was trying to escape. He likes school and he's good at it. But he was definitely trying to escape.  By partnering with the school to provide us with information about what preceded the escape attempt, we realized that his escape attemps were actually a really good thing.

For the first 7 years of his life, when my son did something wrong, he immediately would try to deflect responsibility onto someone else. And now, he was running when he did something accidental or intentional and did not want to face the consequences.  This is an improvement - he's more conscious that something happened, he's responsible and there are consequences.

In a private conversation while driving, he and I talked about avoiding consequences. We talked about how we all make mistakes and sometimes do the wrong thing. We talked about how owning your mistakes helps us learn.  We talked about how avoiding the consequences only makes the consequences worse. And so I told my seven year old that when he does something wrong, he must stand and take his punishment "like a man". Perhaps I will tell my daughter to take it "like a woman" - but he got it.  He felt he could demonstrate bravery and leadership by facing the consequences of his choices.

Escape attempts since that talk - zero. He is telling himself to "take it like a man" and facing consequences.  And he's learning that he can handle the consequences.  

Establishing boundaries with other parents

One of my key parenting philosophies is to establish clear boundaries with my children so that they know what is expected of them. I've developed friendships with other parents - and some share my boundaries and some have different expectations of their children. My dilemma is whether or not to share observations of a friend's child with the friend.

Nothing angers a parent more than someone else offering "advice" on how to parent their child. Most of us are not experts in parenting - we're learning as we go. So, my general instinct is not to offer "observations" unless specifically asked.  I wonder if I am respecting boundaries or just staying safe.

Three situations - a mix of real and hypothetical - and I'd love to know if you would tell the parents and risk their anger and potential cutting off the friendship.  Or would you speak directly to the child? Or do nothing?

• You observe their child acting like a bully - verbally or physically - in a repeated way.  Not sadistic, but deliberately nasty with the intent of making another child feel bad. Should you let the children work it out?  Speak to the bully? Speak to the parents?
• You observe their child acting too mature for their age - flirting with adults of the opposite gender to the point of the other adult's discomfort.  Should the adult involved say something?  Should an observer?
• You observe their child cheating - in a game.  Again - should the players work it out?  Should you address the child or address the parents?

And when should you act - in the moment or after reflection?  Or not at all? What is the trigger between letting children work it out and helicopter parenting?

We say it takes a village, but whenever I think of recanting a negative story about a friend's child to the friend, I think deeply about the helpfulness.  Correcting behavior works best (some would say only) immediately folllowing the offense.  The parent may become angry with their child and not be able to effect meaningful change. I wonder if I am really helping the child and parent or just "tattling". What do you do?

For the record, I give any of you the right to call my kids out on an error immediately when it happens and help them choose more appropriate behavior.  Please let me know afterwards.

Definitely not slap-happy

This Monday, a 61 year old Wal-Mart shopper got so frustrated with someone else's crying toddler that he slapped the child.  Unbelievable, but true.  The gentleman was restrained and arrested for felony cruelty to children.  Which seems appropriate.

Of course, every person has been in his shoes - a screaming child in a store, on a plane or any other enclosed space can test your patience.  And every parent has been mortified when they cannot get their toddler (or worse, non-toddler, non-baby child) to stop screaming. Obviously, it's inexcuseable (and generally ineffective) to slap the child into silence.  But what can you do?

First - parents need to take precautions to head this off at the pass.  If your child is over-tired, hungry or dirty - help them succeed by helping them address their needs prior to enclosing them.

Second - parents have to stay calm. Which is nearly impossible when you are mortified and furious. ButA calm place.., our children do feed off our emotions - so take a deep breath, count to 10 slowly, and then address your child and, if they are young, redirect their attention (here's a ball/doll/balloon).  If they are older, ask what is upsetting them and make a deal if they calm down.  That said, if they are screaming the gimmees (Mommy, I must have that toy), do not cave.  We tell our children that we will put it on their birthday/holiday list.  And we do it.  They learn delayed gratification and we head-off a tantrum.

Sometimes nothing's going to work.  Sometimes they're not going to calm down. 

So then - the third step (which is not throttle, muzzle or other silencing technique) - change the environment.  Stop shopping and leave - you can get it later.  Move to the bathroom on a plane.  We flew cross-country on a red-eye in the bathroom - switching off holding our screaming 18 month old.  Last red-eye we flew with children - seriously.

The gentleman who slapped a child was way out of line.  So are parents who don't calm their child or remove a screaming child from an enclosed space.

Other people have suggestions too - check them out:

• www.kenttoussaint.com/cluesonkids-009.htm

• http://www.femaleforum.com/s/article/toddler_tantrums_how_to_silence_the_monster/
• http://watchmojo.com/children/blog/index.php/2009/06/30/tips-for-coping-with-temper-tantrums/

Bullying in perspective

When my eldest started kindergarten, he was bullied by a trio of 3^rd graders playing a game where they encouraged him to chase them, cried when he tagged them and got him punished by the teacher’s aide. Only after observing the behavior directly did my husband catch on and confront the girls while I let the school know what the game was. We also talked with Benjamin about saying no when the girls ask him to play tag. The next day, the game was over and my son went from miserable to elated.

Helicopter parenting or effective intervention? Since he was only 5 and the issue was with 8 year olds, I think we did the right thing. But the specter of bullying shadows every school and camp. In California, we have a zero tolerance policy designed to ensure that every child feels safe at school. But here’s the thing – bullying happens in the world. There are people who are nasty sometimes and our kids need to learn how to deal with both being the recipient of that nastiness and with dealing with their own impulses to be nasty. Is zero tolerance helping them learn how?

I’m not suggesting that we let our kids get pummeled on the playground or that teasing a child to the point where they are depressed, suicidal or generally miserable is at all acceptable. We need to learn how to teach our kids to deal and to recognize and intervene when they are in serious trouble.

I saw an article today in The Costco Connection (long wait to return contact lens solution) about bullying and there were five tips for kids who are bullied that I think are good. Thanks to Izzy Kalman of Bullies2Buddies.

• Be nice to kids when they are mean to you and before long they will stop being mean.
• Don’t tell on kids who upset you. They will hate you and want to beat you up. Talk to them directly and they will respect you much more. Tell an adult only if there is an emergency situation or because you want the adult to teach you how to handle the problem.
• Don’t get angry when kids insult you. They love to see you getting angry. Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you. After a few days, they will stop. (This is very hard for adults to do…great to learn as a child).
• If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself. Just ask the kids “Do you believe it?” If they say they do, answer, “You can believe it if you want”. (Of course, often no one asks you about the rumor, they just snicker and snipe in the background – it can be very lonely to be the subject of the rumor mill).
• If kids hit you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened. This way you look tough and cool because you don’t get upset over nonsense. (I agree with this part). If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, “Are you mad at me?” If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you. If they are angry, they’ll tell you why. You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you. (Personally, if they keep hitting you, it’s time to get help – they’re out of control).

What tips do you have for your children to deal with bullying?