Support helps more than gossip

Dear Fellow Parents,

My son is having a rough school year - and many days he's disruptive in class. We know about it. We're working on it.  We feel terrible for him, his teachers and for you.  And hearing about people talking about him doesn't help your child, my child or our community.

His challenges started in the middle of last year when youthful silliness and energy escalated into troublemaking and obstinance. Interestingly, this only occurred at school.  At home and in after school activities, he was still just silly and energetic at times. Together with the school, we tried to figure out what was happening that was triggering this response. Suffice to say, we tried lots of accomodations, but never understood the cause.

This year, school started well, but within 2-3 weeks, we were back in the land of disruption. And I know you are paying a lot for your child's education and perhaps you'd prefer that my child be asked to leave the school. Thankfully, our school decided two years ago that we valued inclusivity and that we wanted to figure out how to teach every child unless the staff really felt we couldn't.  And when you are thinking it would be better if he wasn't there, ask your child who helped them with math, sat with them at lunch, offered to play.  Guess who?  

Children learn differently and mature at very varied rates.  And when a young child is acting out, there is a root cause and it's not the desire to mess with your child or the teacher.  It's a cry for help.  And parents like me spend virtually all our psychic energy trying to figure out what he needs.

Here's my guess - he has a lot of trouble printing.  It's slow, sloppy and frustrating.  And by the middle of second grade, it's one of the primary ways a student demonstrates what he knows to his teacher and class. My son has command of the content and concepts, but cannot communicate it in writing.  Talk about frustrating.  And all last year, we worked on improving his handwriting - so yes, we were aware and acting on the problem.

Then we started with talk therapy, but that didn't make an impact. Now we are going down the path of extensive testing so that we understand exactly how he thinks, rule out any behavioral disorders and identify the issues that are making block print writing a huge source of frustration for him.  It takes time for the various professionals to collect, analyze and report on their data.  In the meantime, we've got him doing a novel form of therapy where the therapist uses touch to help calm the mind - and teaches him how to self-soothe. And we've sent our au pair to school to observe, help the teacher and be his scribe so that he can fully participate in class without a moment's frustration about his speed, quality or presentation of writing.

Good news - we're up to 7 good days in a row. Seems promising. Hope you think so too.

Our hope is that the data will give the professionals the information needed to guide the school on how to teach our son - and those accomodations will also help your child since variety in teaching styles benefits all the students. 

So, instead of gossiping about what a problem my son, or anyone else's child is, put yourself in our shoes. It's really embarassing when your child is misbehaving. It's really frustrating when they struggle and you cannot figure out what will help. Try to imagine, for a moment, that a thoughtful, proactive parent like yourself could face a situation where you are not in control and your child is struggling.  What would you want from the other parents?  Patience.  Sympathy. Empathy. Understanding.  Not judgement.

Thanks.

My tips for managing 7-year-old boy outbursts

My son is bright, athletic and unfortunately, quick tempered with the tendency to react physically. He runs away. He’ll hit someone. Sometimes he’ll curse (which is actually an improvement, but still not appropriate). We’re working with his school to help him develop the emotional maturity to express anger and frustration rather than act on it. We know that by the time he’s nine, it’ll be better. But he’s seven and it wasn’t a big surprise when the sleepaway camp sent an email that he was having some “behavior issues”.  Most impressive was that they asked for strategies to help him succeed. 

My son isn’t particularly unique – his emotional development is normal. Average. Unimpressive, but not clinically delayed or anything.  And the motherhood manual doesn’t include strategies to help a little boy react older than he is. So – here’s my addendum to the motherhood manual – my top ten tricks for managing a 7-year-old boy.

1. Create a meaningful reward chart
   Tried and true, goal oriented boys like to have a target to reach. Create a reward chart for the bunk, group, siblings or class so that they can support each other.  Make tasks that they need to do together in order to succeed. Make the reward something they really like – a pizza party, ice cream social, extra baseball game.
   
   
2. Put him on a team
   Make the group a team. Find a way to get them to “score”.  When they aren’t in the game, can they score by cheering for their friends? Who is the loudest cheering “team”? When they are waiting at the flagpole or before a meal, is there a game about finding the coolest cloud in the sky or the biggest leaf on a tree?  They like to compete.  Have them work together.
   
   
3. Create and stick to a routine
   Routines make children feel secure. They need to know what is going to happen and when – how long will they have to wait?  When is the next game?  Tell them the routine, try to make it consistent from day to day and if the routine involves time, give them a way to tell time (position of the sun or shadows is fun).
   
   
4. Give him a job
   Responsibility breeds self-respect. Each member of the bunk can have a job. They should know what their job is (line leader, bathroom inspector, laundry distributor, ball collector, game organizer, etc). Their job might aid in achieving the reward chart.
   
   
5. Set expectations before the start of a game
   Few boys will ever want to sit out of part of a game, even if they should. Explain up front that during the game, you may get called out and when you are called out, you need to go to the sidelines quickly and cheer.  And then, when the game is over, we’ll start a new game and everyone can play. Except in a tournament when you are out for good. Then you cheer!
   
   
6. Give him words to express his feelings
   Boys often do not have an extensive emotional vocabulary and its important not to talk him out of his feelings.  If he’s mad, let him be mad.  Talk about how it feels to be mad and what made him mad. Then ask him what he can do about feeling mad.  Until he decides he doesn’t feel mad anymore.
   
   
7. Don’t let him idle/stand in line
   Idle hands go wild. So – if there is waiting in line, give them something to do.  Sing a waiting song…do pushups…strike a pose…climb a fence.  Anything that keeps the hands active and not on each other.
   
   
8. Give him someone/something to take care of
   My son does especially well when he feels responsible for someone else’s well being.  It could be the dog but it’s better if it’s another child. He’s an attentive friend and big brother if he’s needed. Pair boys up and give them the responsibility to help each other make good choices.
   
   
9. Supervise especially in down time
   Even though it might get mind-numbingly boring or infuriatingly irritating, you have to watch them and interfere if they cannot resolve a conflict. It’s a delicate balance between helicoptering and Lord of the Flies. But if a situation is escalating, try not to resolve it – just introduce new words to redirect it.
10. Give him a hug
    He’s a little boy trying to act big. He needs a hug.  A lot of hugs. He doesn’t know to ask for them – but he needs someone to wrap their arms around him and hold him tight for a few minutes so that he feels safe and loved.

What would you add to the manual?  Any techniques work for you and your active boy?

How zero tolerance punished the wrong child

My son started kindergarten with exuberance and within a week was sullen. Soon after, we started receiving notes from the school that he was harassing three girls. As a consequence, he was not allowed to run on the field; he had to stay on the playground so that he and the girls could be separated. He was devastated.  We were confused and concerned. We believe in logical consequences and if he was bringing these girls to tears, he had to be restricted. But it was totally out of character. In 5 years of day care and pre-school, he never bothered, harassed or did more than horse around with another child.

Nothing I’ve experienced in my life compares to the hurt I felt when my son was hurting. We couldn’t figure out what to do. We talked with him – but he couldn’t explain what was happening. We didn’t know if one of us should stop working to help him to figure this out. We asked the teachers to tell us what they saw. I even tried to surreptitiously observe recess. We asked friends and parents for ideas. Maybe he was too young for school.

Then my husband tripped on a toy train and put his arm through a plate glass window severing his ulnar nerve.

His reluctance to tell many people how he got hurt led him to sequester himself with the children at a community event and he saw an older girl, a third grader, approach our son.

“Chase me?” she asked.

“No” he responded.

“C’mon, chase me!” she said

“No” he responded.

“Please, chase me!” she goaded.

“OK”.

And he did. Caught and tagged her. Then she burst into tears and headed for her parents. She didn’t count on being observed and intercepted by his Dad. My husband told her he saw and heard everything. After a feeble attempt at denial, she acknowledged that she was asking my son to chase her.

It was a game – three third grade girls discovered they could control the teachers by provoking my son to chase them, crying about it and getting him punished.  He was just 5 and had no way to put together that the invitation to play tag was the bait to get him in trouble.

Suffice to say, the game ended that night. My husband spoke immediately to two of the girls’ parents (with the girls whimpering alongside) and I informed the Head of School about what was transpiring.

To the Head’s credit, he immediately apologized; spoke to the on duty teachers and the girls and the behavior stopped. And that same day, my exuberant, giving child re-emerged.

Zero tolerance was punishing the WRONG child. It’s so much harder to observe and prevent verbal/emotional bullying.  Kids are smart and they hide it. 

I wonder how else we could have figured out the problem.  Any ideas?

My bullying prevention program

The first week of October featured a flurry of discussion about bullying in the US – Newsweek , People Magazine, CNN (a week of coverage on bullying).  I was saddened and shocked by the children who committed suicide after bullying. 

Bullying happens.  It has happened since the dawn of time. Animals do it in the wild – they fight for social status and breeding rights. And so do people – we jockey for social position and that jockeying is hurtful to the person who doesn’t win. I know, as a kid, I was pretty low on the social status meter as a child.

Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman’s NurtureShock aggregated research showing that “Zero Tolerance” is a 100% failure (chapter 9, Plays Well with Others - synopsis here).  It often penalizes play or simple bad judgement. With the severity of the penalties for any form of bullying (“tag” is considered bullying by some definitions), the children drive this behavior underground where the bullying includes threats if the subject asks for help.  Zero tolerance is catchy and as a parent, sounds reassuring, but it doesn’t work. And it’s not realistic training for life.

How do you stop bullying? Or help your child avoid the temptation of being a bully online or in person?  How should you help your child deal with being bullied? Is there any way to enable your child to share with you if they feel bullied (and verify the story if needed)?

From all the writing of the week of Oct. 4 plus NurtureShock and my own experience, I think parents have all the tools we need to conduct a 16 year bullying prevention program.

1. Start when they are toddlers.  Kindness must be taught to toddlers and reinforced for the rest of childhood. If you explain, model and reward kindness with social status, children learn that there is a healthy path to social acceptance. If you missed this window, start now.
2. Parents, teachers and people in the community have to make an effort to recognize and applaud kindness. And be absolute in reaction if your child is a bully – it’s unacceptable and they should be ashamed and embarrassed.
3. Listen to our children without taking action. They need to decide what they want us to do – to just listen, to brainstorm, to act. They have to know it’s safe to tell us what’s happening.
4. Help our children develop a thick skin. Not everyone is nice or polite. Not everyone is going to like you. Sometimes you have to let it roll off you.
5. Teach our children when and how to fight back.  Whether through words or acts, in person or digitally, they have to know how to stand up for themselves.

True zero tolerance comes from their peers. Kids, especially teenagers, care more about what their friends think than what their parents or teachers think. Zero tolerance comes from peer pressure. When, among your peers, it’s just not okay to be a bully – when it lowers your social status – there’s no benefit to doing it. And it stops.

What do you do about preventing and dealing with bullying?