Cliques redux
Joelle - a Practical Parent Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 10:53AM From 3rd grade to 5th grade, I had very few school friends. Literally - 2. Unlike the Motherlode story from yesterday, no clique-moms were banning their daughters from being my friend. It was authentic dislike - the children in my classes didn't want to be my friend. I can recall how that felt to this day (suffice to say, it's been more than 30 years).
At the time, my parents assured me that having one good friend was worth more than lots of playmates. They told me that the other children were jealous or otherwise not worth the heartache I was feeling. As a parent, I am certain that their hearts were breaking every time I cried or railed.
Image courtesy of http:/kidsblogs.nationalgeographic.com/
When I responded to the Motherlode inquiry yesterday, I assumed that the other Mom's were in the wrong and that the subject's daughter was an innocent victim. In reflection, neither is probably true. And my suggestion to confront the Moms is probably not going to help the subject or her daughter. Even as children, we filter everything that happens to us through our interpretation of what's happening. And we are hard-wired not to find fault with ourselves. These two human conditions make it difficult to resolve a lot of interpersonal issues.
I loved school and loved to learn. And in 5th grade, hurt by the continued ostracization and teasing at school, I began having headaches that prevented my attending. Ultimately, I talked with a child psychologist about what was happening. He helped the 10 year old me see that I was not completely innocent in this story - but that some of my behaviors were provoking the very response I hated. And we worked on what to do.
So - my more thoughtful answer to the Motherlode subject and her daughter is that the only person in the world anyone can change is herself. No one else. Her daughter is reacting to what is happening at school as a reflex - and an understandable one. Bad things happen to people every day. People are nasty to people every day. We cannot control or prevent these events - but we can learn different interpretations and reactions. We can change how we interact with our environment and the environment will change as a result.
Starting at the end of fifth grade and continuing to this very day, I became an ardent student of group dynamics. I lacked natural instincts (obviously) so I developed conscious ones. I learned how to dial down (and dial up) my intense, strong personality. I never was the most popular kid in school, but I had good friends and still do.
As I parent my children, I see familiar personality traits. I know that these traits will have ramifications in their social interactions - positive and negative. All I can do is help my children become aware of their reactions and conscious in choosing how they want to respond to anything.
- If you want a friend, be a friend.
- If you want to be loved, love first. Don't wait.
- Don't try to change someone else - change yourself.
If two girls are excluding you on the playground, find a way to have fun and play with someone else. It's okay to feel sad but heartache and rejection aren't fatal and can be short-lived. Let go of the sadness because every day is a gift and how you experience it is up to you.
friendship
Reader Comments (5)
Jocelyn, this is a particularly good post - and hitting home at the moment. I read yesterday's post and left feeling that confronting the moms would only hurt your own kid. I think focusing on who is right and who is wrong is not the way to go to solve the problem. Your more reflective response today is evidence of that.
Wait until they get to Middle School and start taking their Mean Girl tactics onto the internet. That is what we are dealing with now in my family. The internet and Facebook can make "normal" mean behavior much more dangerous. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Meant to say - Joelle - not Jocelyn. Forgive me!
I think your post on Motherlode and your post here are not mutually exclusive. I think you have a great insight that it is important to help your child(ren) develop self-reflection about the part they play in creating group dynamics. It's also a great life skill to help your children focus on the things that they can actively change -- you can't change how other people behave but you can change how you personally act and also you can change how you choose to respond to others' actions.
At the same time, I think your original Motherlode comment that encouraged some dialog between the parents and possibly the school was right on. The original Motherlode column was writing about a pretty creepy parental dynamic where a group of adult moms were actively encouraging their children to only play with each other and --at least it sounded this way--to actively leave out other kids. Now, there are 2 sides to every story so who knows what the actual dynamic is between all the parents involved and between all the kids. If the parents are truly encouraging their own children to play in a clique and leave out others, I think it would be worth calling those parents out on something that is having a very negative effect on the school. Social bullying can be every bit as detrimental, if not more so, than physical bullying and I think parents and educators do have a responsibility to say it will not be tolerated. I don't mean that adults should take over the communication from the kids. However, I would like to see parents and teachers facilitating kids' talking together about what is going on between them and working it out.
There is a way that the teachers and parents could be supporting each child's self-reflection *and* self-expression and not letting anyone feel stomped on. I totally sympathized with your story of your 10 year old self. I had similar stomach aches in 3rd grade and 6th grade for similar reasons and my parents also, thankfully, were great to talk to during what I look back on as unnecessarily awful times.
A local school here in Berkeley boils down their fundamental policy as, "Is it safe? Is it kind?" I think this is a great guiding principle, similar to "do unto others..." I don't think all the kids have to play together to be safe or kind -- but someone should be encouraging better communication and better ways to manage conflict all around... Whew. Guess you got me going with this post!
I remember one parent saying "why do our kids have to put up with behavior that we would never put up with as adults?" I fortunately had a decent grammar school experience until seventh grade. When the teasing started, my parents, due to their own inexperience, had no idea how to help me. It was actually a nun at school, Sister Martin, who finally asked me what was going on. I told her all the stuff that was happening - including what I felt I did to bring the boys' scapegoating on myself. I had beaten one of the popular boys in a sailing race and laughed at him as I passed him up. I was also just as smart as him in school. I looked back now and think - laughing was just not a good thing to do. Just beating him and being smart could have been enough to start the teasing though. He got the rest of the boys to gang up on me and objectify me by calling me "dog" instead of my real name. Sister Martin must have made a few calls or cornered the boys individually because the teasing stopped abruptly after a week. However, it had already gone on for most of the school year and the damage was done. My solution - I went to a high school where no one knew me and none of the kids from my Catholic school attended. It was normal to be smart and I was just a "b" student there. I also didn't laugh at anyone again.
After reading the original Motherlode blog regarding this and your response, there's another opportunity here. If after modeling the behavior you mention in your response and the mother's still don't allow their children play with yours, then there is a teachable moment with your child: that sometimes adults act like children; that part of growing up is acting respectfully towards others without malice regardless of ones differences. Parents not acting like adults is also exhibited at children's sporting events. Another teachable moment.