How zero tolerance punished the wrong child
Joelle - a Practical Parent Friday, October 22, 2010 at 9:30AM My son started kindergarten with exuberance and within a week was sullen. Soon after, we started receiving notes from the school that he was harassing three girls. As a consequence, he was not allowed to run on the field; he had to stay on the playground so that he and the girls could be separated. He was devastated. We were confused and concerned. We believe in logical consequences and if he was bringing these girls to tears, he had to be restricted. But it was totally out of character. In 5 years of day care and pre-school, he never bothered, harassed or did more than horse around with another child.
Nothing I’ve experienced in my life compares to the hurt I felt when my son was hurting. We couldn’t figure out what to do. We talked with him – but he couldn’t explain what was happening. We didn’t know if one of us should stop working to help him to figure this out. We asked the teachers to tell us what they saw. I even tried to surreptitiously observe recess. We asked friends and parents for ideas. Maybe he was too young for school.
Then my husband tripped on a toy train and put his arm through a plate glass window severing his ulnar nerve.
His reluctance to tell many people how he got hurt led him to sequester himself with the children at a community event and he saw an older girl, a third grader, approach our son.
“Chase me?” she asked.“No” he responded.
“C’mon, chase me!” she said
“No” he responded.
“Please, chase me!” she goaded.
“OK”.
And he did. Caught and tagged her. Then she burst into tears and headed for her parents. She didn’t count on being observed and intercepted by his Dad. My husband told her he saw and heard everything. After a feeble attempt at denial, she acknowledged that she was asking my son to chase her.
It was a game – three third grade girls discovered they could control the teachers by provoking my son to chase them, crying about it and getting him punished. He was just 5 and had no way to put together that the invitation to play tag was the bait to get him in trouble.
Suffice to say, the game ended that night. My husband spoke immediately to two of the girls’ parents (with the girls whimpering alongside) and I informed the Head of School about what was transpiring.
To the Head’s credit, he immediately apologized; spoke to the on duty teachers and the girls and the behavior stopped. And that same day, my exuberant, giving child re-emerged.
Zero tolerance was punishing the WRONG child. It’s so much harder to observe and prevent verbal/emotional bullying. Kids are smart and they hide it.
I wonder how else we could have figured out the problem. Any ideas?
Reader Comments (7)
wow, that brought me to tears as I truly fear the choices kids make. I can't think of another way to really figure out what was happenning and it is a blessing that your husband witnessed it first hand.
Wow, Joelle. What a story. I'm so glad it all got sorted out for your son. I blame the existence of a zero-tolerance policy. So many children have been punished for what is nothing more than learning to socialize or expressing joy in their friendships that they do more harm than good. Where are children supposed to learn the ins and outs of socializing in diverse groups? They don't *know* how to interact until they try, and they're just experimenting and need to figure it out by being guided, not brutally punished and traumatized by what should be a lesson in proper behavior rather than a condemnation of an action they didn't realize was wrong in the first place.
GREATEST POST YET!
I love the way you wrote this. It brings back some painful memories, but on
the other hand this was one of the most successful parenting interventions
that helped our son.
Joelle,
This was wonderfully written and a great story for all parents to read! Everyone should have conversations with their kids about this! I am so glad it worked out well!
Laurie
My son has had similar issues. In his kindergarten they instituted a no-tag rule, though my son continually fell for the request to play and was labeled the school bully. We're now at a different school (Public vs the Kinder private) and we're doing much better.
Did you talk with the teacher who instituted the separation? I would have insisted someone who observed the entire incident decide fault.
Its true with children: he who cries the loudest is not necessarily the most hurt.
Moira,
I spoke with the teachers, aide and Head of School. No one seemed to see what was happening - and it was hard to catch, hence why my husband's attention was so important. Luckily, my son wasn't labeled and we uncovered the truth within the first six weeks of school.
I'm glad your son is doing better. I think no-tag rules are dumb. Tag is fun and there's a distinct and obvious difference between tag and bullying. We seem unwilling to let adults and children use judgment.
Being manipulated by girls? Better get ready for a whole life full of that, kid.